Breaking
by rachhudson
Summary: Santana-centric, with mainly one-sided Puck/Santana. "She sleeps in the motel, knowing that here, she can be vulnerable. She doesn't have to put on a mask. So, for the first time, she lets go."


**This is a Santana-centric oneshot, with some Puck/Santana (mostly one-sided) as well as Finn/Santana, Finn/Rachel, and Puck/Quinn.  
I wrote this because I never liked Santana. I kind of wanted to see things from her point of view, to see if I would like her better. I kinda do now, even though this may not be what she was thinking at all, hahah.**

**I think most of my information is accurate, but some of the dialogue from the episodes might be off.**

* * *

**Breaking**

Santana Lopez knows she's a bitch. She insults Berry, fights for power with Quinn, sleeps with guys that aren't hers to improve her reputation. But she also has her reasons. Most people assume Santana is heartless, and she prefers it that way. Imagine if they knew the truth – that she is quite the opposite. All the power, the status she has tried so hard to achieve, will be gone, quick as a flash. So, she does the only thing she can – she hides her emotions beneath her hard exterior.

If Santana is to admit the truth, (which, let's face it, is highly unlikely) she'll have to say she feels more than she'd like to admit. She feels used after every night she spends with Puck, because she knows he's just there with her to dull the ache in his chest. She feels rejected after Finn says he doesn't feel anything after the night they'd spent together – the night where she'd taken his virginity. She feels betrayed when Coach Sylvester tells her that, once again, she has lost out on the position of head cheerleader to one Quinn Fabray.

(xxx)

She and Quinn have never really been best friends, per se. Santana has Brittany for that, and Quinn has always been more about followers than friends. They meet freshman year in Coach Sylvester's office as she debriefs her new freshman finds, giving them the usual – how being a Cheerio is an honor, a privilege, and how they are now at the top of the school. One wrong move, and they could end up all the way back at the bottom. Santana tells herself she'll never be at the bottom, because there's no way in hell she'll let that happen.

Santana doesn't miss the way Coach Sylvester's gaze lingers on Quinn when she tells them that maybe, by the end of the year, one of them will make head cheerleader. Santana decides right then and there that, above all things, she has to beat Quinn Fabray. Something about her just rubs Santana the wrong way. Maybe it's her blonde hair, pulled back in a smooth ponytail. Maybe it's the silver cross she's wearing around her neck. Or maybe it's the sense Santana gets that Quinn always gets what she wants.

Of course, by the end of the year, Quinn is head cheerleader, and Santana is reduced to the somewhat humiliating position of second-in-command. The only solace Santana has is that she's sort-of dating Noah Puckerman, football player and all-around stud.

Well, "hooking up with" is the more accurate term.

They have a good thing, really. They have sex (and plenty of it) and since there's no strings attached, she's still free to flirt with other guys and go on a few dates. It has all the perks of a relationship without any of the commitment. She thinks they have a good thing going on, but, even though she loves the freedom, she wishes Puck would just take her out on a real date already. She thinks if she gives him a few more weeks, he'll ask her. They'll be official. And she can finally overthrow Quinn and become queen bee herself.

This plan crumbles before Santana has the chance to put it in motion.

Next thing Santana knows, Puck is telling her he can't see her anymore because he really likes Quinn and _fuck it_ if she's his best friend girl because, honestly, Finn doesn't deserve her anyway.

Santana wants to cry, wants to say, "What about me?" but she doesn't, because she's learned to keep her emotions in check by now. She just says, "Whatever. You'll be back," rolls her eyes, and walks away.

No one, not even Brittany, knows that she goes home and cries herself to sleep.

(xxx)

Thankfully, Santana is right, and Puck comes back. Deep down, she knows it's only to quell the pain of Quinn's pregnancy (which is really spreading around the school like a wildfire). She figures it hurts Puck that Quinn really did want Finn after all, kind of like how all Santana wants is to be with Puck. She doesn't realize that part of the reason he's so pissed is that it could be (hell, it _is_) his baby. How could she? Honestly, she doesn't really care why Puck comes back, just the fact that he does.

She doesn't want to accept it, but she thinks Quinn Fabray might be slowly drawing Puck away from her. Even though she doesn't seem to want to be with Puck, Santana gets the feeling that there's something… more there. Something neither of them are admitting to. But as long as she has Puck with her again, she's willing to overlook the heartbroken glances he shoots in Quinn's direction, because she'd rather have a little bit of him than none at all.

Then she (and the entire glee club) find out the truth: Puck knocked up Quinn. He comes over to her house, tells her he just doesn't know what to do, because Finn still doesn't know. Santana doesn't say anything. She can't. If she opens her mouth, she'll explode. How could he do this to her?

He waits on her advice. He never gets it. In a whisper, (because if she speaks any louder, her voice will break) she tells him to get out. He makes eye contact with her, and her pain is reflected in his eyes. He obliges.

(xxx)

The next day at school, Finn finds out about Quinn's betrayal (all thanks to Berry and her big fat mouth, as usual), and all hell breaks loose. After Finn's outburst, the choir room kind of clears out, accept for Santana, Quinn, and Puck.

Santana acts like she's picking up the sheet music Finn flung everywhere, but she's really just listening to Puck and Quinn's conversation. She hears Puck telling Quinn that she can live with him, that everything will be okay. She hears him tell her that, no matter what, he'll take care of her. All he cares about is her and their baby.

It breaks Santana's heart because he's never said anything remotely like that to her. She abandons the sheet music and quickly exits the choir room before she starts crying again.

She doubts Puck even notices.

(xxx)

She decides to focus on the single positive she can see in this awful situation: Quinn, being pregnant with Puck's bastard child, is off the Cheerios, leaving the position of head cheerleader wide open. Santana intends to finally gain the title that has been rightfully hers all along. She deserves it more than Quinn ever did, with her perfect little life, especially now that she is playing house with Puck.

She sucks up to Coach Sylvester, does her every bidding, works harder than she ever has in practices. She wants, _needs_ to show how badly she wants this. And she wants it, with every ounce of her being.

Coach Sylvester tells her that the position is hers if she can get a younger man (because Coach is going through a really weird Madonna thing right now; Santana doesn't really want to think about it too much). Brittany suggests she de-flower Finn, and Santana thinks it's kind of perfect. If she takes Finn's v-card, it has the potential of pissing off Quinn as well as potentially hurting Berry in the long run. (Santana doesn't see what Finn sees in that hobbit anyway. She kind of wants to punch her every time she opens her mouth.) Who knows, maybe it'll even make Puck jealous, show him what he's missing. So she gets Finn to agree to meet her at one of Lima's dingiest motels.

She's actually a little nervous. She doesn't know why; it's not she has anything to _prove _to him or anything. She decides it's because so much is riding on this night: If she can pull this off, she has head cheerleader _in the bag_. She puts on a mask of confidence and dives right in. It's over in a matter of minutes, anyway.

She doesn't know what she expects to happen afterwards, but she knows it isn't supposed to be Finn sitting there in shock, saying how _empty_ he feels and wondering if there's any way he can hide this _mistake_ from everyone (from Rachel) forever. She's just given Finn what has to be the night of his life, and he can't stop worrying about Berry. _And they're not even dating_.

Santana feels like she's going to be sick; she doesn't know if it's from lack of food or just the pure _rejection _coursing through her veins. She doesn't have romantic feelings for Finn, but she still feels hurt. He feels _nothing_. Nothing.

She covers up her pain by telling Finn he has to take her out for a burger. He looks at her, long and hard, and for a second, she thinks he's going to agree. Then he gets up, disgusted, and tells her that she doesn't get it, that he feels _awful_, that he _loves_ Rachel, and that he can't believe what he's done, the mistake he's made.

He leaves, and Santana doesn't know if she's feeling lonely or just feeling the loss of what she had been so close to achieving. She's failed, so there's no way Coach Sylvester will make her head cheerleader now.

Finn's words sting her a little bit, though. She doesn't know how it feels? Loving someone and watching them with someone else? She knows _exactly _how it feels.

She tears up when she thinks of Puck and Quinn together, Quinn's baby bump becoming impossibly bigger each day.

Santana doesn't go home that night. She curls up under the dingy sheets and begins to cry, tears streaming down her cheeks and sobs wracking her entire body. She sleeps in the motel, knowing that here, she can be vulnerable. She doesn't have to put on a mask. So, for the first time, she lets go.

(xxx)

It's June when Puck shows up outside her house. She knows he and Quinn didn't keep the baby, and apparently Quinn can't even look at Puck anymore, because he's a reminder of the pain. Santana sees how hurt he is, so she doesn't say, "I told you so." She just tells him Quinn doesn't deserve him anyway. (Which is true. She doesn't.) Then she invites him in, and thinks that maybe, just maybe, things will be okay.

She and Puck spend the night together, but in the morning, he doesn't say anything. He just leaves. She doesn't hear from him for the rest of the summer.

(xxx)

School brings bad news upon bad news. Not only does she lose out on head cheerleader to body-after-baby Fabray, but Coach Sylvester also demotes her to the bottom of the pyramid as a punishment for her newly acquired… assets. Alright, so she got a boob job. She just wanted to feel good about herself. Since when is that so wrong?

Finn and Berry make her want to barf with their cuteness. She tries to talk to Finn occasionally, but he usually just blows her off. She thinks he's scared that she'll bring up their night together, but she's saving that for a special day when Berry becomes particularly unbearable. She knows that it's mean, but when it comes to Berry, she doesn't really care.

She and Puck haven't really spoken much since that June afternoon he showed up outside her door. She knows he's still pining after Quinn (he practically dedicated a song to her during glee that one weird week where Finn worshipped that grilled cheese sandwich), but soon so is that new blonde kid on the football team.

She figures that that's ultimately what drives him back to her.

She doesn't ask questions; she just lets him back in, like she always does. She knows that he'll probably end up hurting her again, but she cares too much about him to not have him at all.

(xxx)

Berry calls a meeting of all the girls in Glee it seems like, and, somehow, Santana is left out. She confronts Berry about it, and Berry says the thing that possibly hurts the most: "This meeting is for girls with boyfriends on the football team, Santana. Sorry."

She tells her she's dating Puck.

Quinn says she's getting naked with Puck, which doesn't count as dating. (She doesn't say it quite like that, but Santana knows that's how she means it.) Santana knows she's right, so she just walks away, leaves them to their planning. She knows it's time to get Puck to commit.

(xxx)

Puck shoots her down. "San, you know commitment's not really my thing," he tells her, playing with her hair. "Can't we just… appreciate what we have?"

_You wanted to commit to Quinn_. The words are on the tip of her tongue, but she bites the inside of her lips to keep it inside. The last thing she needs is bring up Quinn. Not only will it start a fight, but it will just cause him more pain. So she keeps quiet.

(xxx)

She sees him struggling to fix his tie, and it hits Santana just how _perfect _Finn Hudson's life is. He has the girl and the popularity and just… everything.

She hates him for it.

So, as she helps him with his tie, she brings up the thing she _knows_ he doesn't want to talk about: the night they spent together, nearly seven months ago. He tenses, and she sees the panic on his face as he tells her that he loves _Rachel_ (God, can he say anything else?) and that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

Santana doesn't know what comes over her, but suddenly, she wants Finn and Berry to suffer. If she can't hurt Quinn, she'll just have to hurt the next best thing. She's about to tell Finn she'll go to Berry with everything when Berry herself walks in.

Santana looks between the two of them, between the confusion on Berry's face and the fear on Finn's. She almost opens her mouth. She almost tells her right there. But something holds her back. She casts one last look at Finn, then leaves the two of them alone.

Somehow, she knows it would be wrong to ruin their happiness, because she's really just a jealous girl who, at this rate, will die a lonely old maid. She's just a girl who loves a boy who will never love her back. And, in that moment, she realizes that no matter how much she hates Rachel Berry, hurting her won't make that pain go away.

She'll let Finn break Berry's heart. She'll try to mend her own.

Step number one: Have a girl's night with Brittany and forget all about Noah Puckerman. As she turned the corner and saw him in his tux, she knew forgetting about Puck would be easier said than done. She took a deep breath, putting on her mask of confidence before she walked past him.

At least she could always look like she was fine on the outside, even if she was breaking on the inside.

* * *

**Thanks for reading!  
And it would mean a lot if you would review (:**


End file.
